I Was Such a Stupid Kid

Today’s topic is childhood stupidity. This topic was not quite suggested. It was more that my husband finds this story extremely funny. You will note the irony of that sentence by the end of this post.

I have an intense fear of public speaking that almost surely originated on a specific day in second grade before a crowd of about thirty seven-year-olds during a sold out performance of second-grade Show and Tell.

Once a week, my teacher, Mrs. Bluestein, would ask the class if anyone had anything for Show and Tell. On this particular day, not a single student raised their hand. I figured this would be my golden opportunity to show the world what I had to offer. I had something brilliant. I knew these kids would think I was as hilarious as I thought I was and in the end, I would take an extended curtain call as they all shouted “Brava! BRAVA!”, throwing roses at my feet and begging for more with their standing ovations.

I confidently raised my hand and was immediately called upon. I stood up, marched over to the spot that had been occupied by so many before me, and said, “Okay, this is funny. This is really funny.”

“Chinese (pulling the corners of my eyes down with my fingers)

Japanese (pulling the corners of my eyes up)

Dirty knees (touching my knees)

Look at these (pulling my shirt out from my pre-pre-pubescent chest)”

Nothing. Pure silence. Although, I swear I heard crickets.

I could feel every pair of eyes slowly move toward my teacher, as if her reaction was going to indicate whether or not I was going to receive my standing ovations. You know that phrase, “If looks could kill?” Mrs. Bluestein had just committed ocular homicide in the first degree. I slowly side-stepped my way back toward my desk, not wanting to turn my back to a crowd that apparently could turn so condemnatory at the drop of a hat.

At the time, I didn’t realize how horribly racist and sexist that little ditty was. Needless to say, it was not repeated by me too often after that, if at all.

I really don’t remember much after that point. I just know that I did not want to get up in front of any kind of audience, whether it was made up of children or adults, especially people I knew personally, for any reason ever again. And I certainly have no desire to throw my hat into the ring as a candidate for Poet Laureate.